In any family business, communication is the root cause of both good and bad outcomes. Whether it’s between spouses, parents, siblings, or even business partners, how you communicate significantly impacts the overall health of your relationships. Miscommunication or a lack of communication can escalate issues, while intentional, dynamic communication can diffuse tension and promote mutual understanding.
How We Learn Communication
From early childhood, we observe those around us—our parents, siblings, grandparents, and peers—and learn communication habits, both good and bad. For example, if a toddler screams and gets what they want, they quickly learn that shouting is an effective way to communicate. On the other hand, if parents address the situation calmly and rationally, children learn that peaceful communication is more effective.
Communication isn’t something we simply “know”—it’s a skill we develop through coaching, practice, and feedback, much like learning to swing a golf club. One key principle to remember is that you cannot “not” communicate. It’s not about whether you communicate, but how you communicate that matters most.
Systemic vs. Episodic Conflicts
When it comes to family business relationships, conflicts tend to fall into two categories: systemic and episodic.
Systemic conflicts are ongoing issues that are deeply rooted in your family dynamic or business practices. These conflicts might stem from differences over parenting, division of labor in the business, or even financial decisions. Systemic issues are often harder to address, but they’re worth tackling because they can significantly impact the business and personal relationships if left unresolved.
Episodic conflicts are temporary and tend to arise from day-to-day situations, like being late for a meeting, missing a deadline, or disagreements over minor tasks. While they may seem trivial at the time, episodic conflicts can accumulate and cause larger issues if not addressed. Think about a minor conflict from last year—chances are, it no longer matters. However, in the heat of the moment, these seemingly small issues can feel overwhelming.
The Danger of Flooding
When episodic conflicts build up over time, they can result in flooding—a situation where one person unloads a long list of grievances, often seemingly out of nowhere. For example: “You were late again, you didn’t handle that customer well, you ignored my input on the project, etc.” When this happens, the natural response is often defensiveness, which usually results in a lower likelihood of a positive resolution.
To avoid flooding, it’s essential to address issues as they arise and avoid letting small problems accumulate into larger, more overwhelming ones.
The Importance of Timing
Sometimes, timing is everything. There are moments when either party isn’t fully present, whether due to stress, exhaustion, or outside distractions. Trying to resolve a major issue when either person is preoccupied is rarely productive. Be mindful of when it’s the right time to discuss important matters. Major life changes, financial stress, or busy periods at work may not be ideal times to tackle sensitive topics.
Values and Communication
Our values shape the way we communicate and interact with others. Whether it’s valuing honesty, family, work, or health, these values can be reflected in how we approach conversations and conflicts. For instance, one family business might prioritize health, but if family members’ habits don’t reflect that value (like overeating or smoking), it can cause tension. On the other hand, a family that values education might demonstrate it through support for higher learning, which strengthens family bonds.
Understanding and aligning your values is crucial for effective communication in a family business. These values should not only be discussed but should be demonstrated through actions and words.
The Power of Positivity in Conflict
In the heat of conflict, it’s easy to focus on the negative. However, research from psychologists like Barbara Fredrickson and Drs. John and Julie Gottman suggests that maintaining a positivity ratio is essential for resolving issues. Fredrickson found that for each negative interaction, there should be at least three positive interactions to maintain balance. The Gottmans suggest that five positives for every one negative is ideal.
Even during conflict, offering positive gestures, like a kind word or a lighthearted comment, can help reduce tension and promote a healthier outcome. It’s these small moments of positivity that can transform a disagreement into an opportunity for growth.
The Impact of Modern Communication Tools
The rise of texting, Instagram, Snapchat, WhatsApp, and other digital communication methods has changed the way we interact. While these tools are convenient, they often lack the nuances of face-to-face communication. In fact, only 7% of communication is verbal—38% comes from tone of voice, and 55% comes from body language. These non-verbal cues are lost when communicating through text or social media, which is why in-person or voice communication remains the most effective way to resolve issues.
If it’s important, take the time to meet in person and set aside your smartphones. The value of face-to-face interaction cannot be replaced by any form of digital communication.
Emotional Wellbeing and Communication
The United Nations World Happiness Report regularly emphasizes the importance of emotional wellbeing, which is deeply tied to communication. The way you communicate within your family business impacts not only your relationships but your overall happiness. In Part II of Intentional Dynamic Communication, we’ll explore how expectations, active listening, and tools like the “Four Horsemen” of conflict can help improve your communication skills and strengthen your relationships.
By embracing these concepts and focusing on intentional, dynamic communication, you can foster stronger, more resilient relationships in your family business. Start by paying attention to your values, addressing conflicts early, and striving for positivity even in challenging situations.
